I would like to think of myself as an experienced dater. I haven't spent too much time in long term relationships, most of the men I committ myself to turn into just short term flings. Which to me, has been totally okay...I've had a couple heartbreaks, but no permanent damage...it just means that they were not the one for me. I'm not into the whole ''dating just to date'' thing. It's not about experiencing new people and having someone by my side just so I won't be alone...it's about finding the one who fits my shape, fills the empty space in my heart and makes me feel complete.
Where am I going with all this nonsense? I have no idea. I was just thinking today that my biggest flaw when it comes to having a relationship is honesty. And I'm not talking about lying to my significant other, or hiding information. I'm talking more about raw emotion, real feelings, expression of love and devotion. I am awful at that. Steve always said that the reason he never felt close to me was because I was so bad at telling him how I felt, that he never felt like he knew the real me or how I felt about him. It's awful to know that the feelings I had, even though they weren't as strong as his, were overlooked because I was unable to tell him what was going through my mind. It almost felt like a chore to tell him how amazing he was, or how I couldn't sleep that night because I was up thinking of him and wishing he was there. It would be a chore to tell him all the things I felt and thought, and I'm not sure why...fears of rejection maybe? More like I would feel like a freaking cheeseball...Little things like that...not even the big 3 words that we all *love* so much...just little moments of honesty that put your heart right out there. I'm SO bad at that. I always said my biggest flaw (other than the honesty bit, but ties in with it) is that I care so much, but I am really bad at showing it. Its something I've always wanted to improve on. When someone is hurting, I want to cry with them, but I don't. When someone is spilling their heart out to me about how they can't imagine life without me, I want to scream out that I feel the same way, but I can't. I think this flaw might seem small to some, but to those who have experienced it, it's something that can break a relationship and I don't ever want to be the cause of something great failing just because I'm too much of a wuss to spill my guts.
What's different about him? What's so different that at this point I would write my feelings in the stars just so he would know I feel....he makes me feel alive inside, he makes me feel like I'm home, and this is where I want to be, with him, nowhere else, and I can't imagine going back to feeling anything else. he makes me feel honest with myself and with him, and that is more than I've ever been able to do with anyone. I'm starting to see how people fall in love...I can't wait.
I'm sick of having regrets...I'm sick of wishing that I did things that I never did, saying things I never said, allowing myself to feel things that I wanted to feel only because I was scared of something. Looking at it, WAS i scared of telling ryan the things I wanted to say, was I scared of what steve's reactions would have been? I'm done with that, I'm laying out all my fears and emotions and all my energy on the line for this one guy hoping that giving it my all will help me to see the true meaning of life, and of love.
Until next time...
Where am I going with all this nonsense? I have no idea. I was just thinking today that my biggest flaw when it comes to having a relationship is honesty. And I'm not talking about lying to my significant other, or hiding information. I'm talking more about raw emotion, real feelings, expression of love and devotion. I am awful at that. Steve always said that the reason he never felt close to me was because I was so bad at telling him how I felt, that he never felt like he knew the real me or how I felt about him. It's awful to know that the feelings I had, even though they weren't as strong as his, were overlooked because I was unable to tell him what was going through my mind. It almost felt like a chore to tell him how amazing he was, or how I couldn't sleep that night because I was up thinking of him and wishing he was there. It would be a chore to tell him all the things I felt and thought, and I'm not sure why...fears of rejection maybe? More like I would feel like a freaking cheeseball...Little things like that...not even the big 3 words that we all *love* so much...just little moments of honesty that put your heart right out there. I'm SO bad at that. I always said my biggest flaw (other than the honesty bit, but ties in with it) is that I care so much, but I am really bad at showing it. Its something I've always wanted to improve on. When someone is hurting, I want to cry with them, but I don't. When someone is spilling their heart out to me about how they can't imagine life without me, I want to scream out that I feel the same way, but I can't. I think this flaw might seem small to some, but to those who have experienced it, it's something that can break a relationship and I don't ever want to be the cause of something great failing just because I'm too much of a wuss to spill my guts.
What's different about him? What's so different that at this point I would write my feelings in the stars just so he would know I feel....he makes me feel alive inside, he makes me feel like I'm home, and this is where I want to be, with him, nowhere else, and I can't imagine going back to feeling anything else. he makes me feel honest with myself and with him, and that is more than I've ever been able to do with anyone. I'm starting to see how people fall in love...I can't wait.
I'm sick of having regrets...I'm sick of wishing that I did things that I never did, saying things I never said, allowing myself to feel things that I wanted to feel only because I was scared of something. Looking at it, WAS i scared of telling ryan the things I wanted to say, was I scared of what steve's reactions would have been? I'm done with that, I'm laying out all my fears and emotions and all my energy on the line for this one guy hoping that giving it my all will help me to see the true meaning of life, and of love.
Until next time...
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