NAUGHTY BLOGGER

Okay so today is March 15th, 2009. I am scheuled in exactly 2 months to depart from Orlando to Detroit, to head back home for the rest of forever.

Okay, not forever, but back to live with my parents for what will FEEL like forever.

However, as I stated in my previous blog (i think...maybe not...) I'm planning on staying here until August. However, it's not really completely up to me whether or not I stay. I have to apply to do so. Tomorrow is the first day that I can do that so I plan on doing it as soon as I can. My new departure date would be August 14th to head back to Michigan.

Why am I making the decision to stay here? aren't I missing my friends and family, my car, my cat, being in a place that I know like the back of my hand (and it's Michigan, so literally...the back of my hand...) going to school, my old job, etc etc? the answer is YES! I am missing all of those things terribly!! Today I saw a girl running from her apartment to the main entrance of Chatham Square to meet her parents and she hugged them excitedly and for a few minutes there I really wished I could see my mom because I miss her so bad. This is the first time in my life where I've been away from home for any longer than just a few days. I've never gone this long without her. I also miss my cat, which I know i've put in like seven posts, because he is the most amazing thing ever. Plus all the other things I do miss, but then I look at how much I love it here and I don't want to go back so soon.

I really enjoy my job, even though sometimes I want to STRANGLE my guests and dangle them from their room on the 11th floor facing the Magic Kingdom side since that's the only room they want in the entire hotel. Sometimes I want to lock them in their room over in the South Garden Building and MAKE them sleep there because that's what they are paying for. Regardless, I love it. I wish those guests knew what it was like to share a bed with someone in a twin size instead of listening to them complain about not getting their king bed. I love my fellow coworkers, I feel like it doesn't really get much better than that. The only sad thing is knowing that once May/August comes, we will all depart from the Contemporary, going back the lives we led before coming here. I also really love the weather here, but that's a given to anyone who lives up north. I don't miss the winter depression that comes every year from November to March, I really don't. And I definitely don't miss waking up at 5AM to scrape the ice and snow off my car before I leave for work. The last few weeks that I spent in Michigan after school ended i spent half of my days laying in bed, NO motivation to do anything.
Florida is so beautiful...and I know Michigan is beautiful too, especially between the months of May-October, where there is life and green, and miles and miles and miles of nothing but farmland and once fall hits, the green disappears and it's anything but ordinary with the trees in their orange, yellow and red glory. That's something that you can't get here (that i know of...maybe you can...shows how often i come here).

but either way, I just feel like this is a place I could live. And i've seriously considered it. Before I got here I always said I wanted to leave Michigan and live in the south somewhere where the weather is nice and there's opportunities for jobs. I haven't done enough reserach on Florida's economy (nor do i really want to...) to know how it compares to Michigans, but i have a strong feeling that in tourism/hospitality, Florida wins. Obviously, working for Disney, I can see that that alone brings in a crazy amount of people from all over the country, and then theres still all the people who stay OFF Disney property (it's way cheaper...) for not only Disney but the other tourist attractions in the area. I KNOW things are bad in Michigan right now...first hand experience my last five weeks at the Utica Courtyard I worked maybe ten hours a week because occupancy was at an all time low. I worked those nights where we had 16% in house. I don't want to go back to that ever again. How will I ever pay off my bills and save money? if I DO return to Michigan (theres a 50/50 chance right now) I have a back up plan for myself, but I can't rely on that, and it's not exactly the most fun back up plan either. at that point, who knows how much longer i'd be stuck in michigan for? Once i'm back there, it's going to take a lot for me to find my way back here again. I'll have to wait til I finish college, and by THAT point who knows where I'll be in my career? I could be just starting a really good job that I can't just walk away from, and then I could fall in love and that person might be stuck in Michigan for whatever reason (good job, undying devotion to his mother, etc) and then BAM! I'm STUCK THERE FOREVER!!!
Nothing else really new to report. My grandfather is in the hospital, on his death bed, it'll be any hour now that he goes. It feels really weird being here and not there with my family at a time like this, but there's nothing I can do. I have obligations here to fulfill. if it were my own father, completely different story. I haven't even seen my grandfather in like four years. He doesn't remember me. He's had alzheimer's for like five or six years so he doesnt really remember me or my sister. My mom said the other day she saw him at the hospital and she was sitting with him and she asked him ''do you remember Allison and Emily?" and she said that he smiled. very strange indeed..maybe he does remember. Yesterday when I talked to her she said his breathing was very soft and his eyes looked like they would never open again. I talked to my dad for the first time in two months yesterday as well. It was really weird...and very small talk.

So i've been living in my new apartment for like 3 weeks...it's going pretty well I think! My in-room room mate said like one word to me in the first seven days, but now she actually talks to me sometimes so it's less awkward. Another one of my room mates has like this on/off switch and she is like...sometimes nice to me, sometimes a real bitch so I've been careful lately. Everyone else is great. I love it. I don't miss my old room mates at all.

what else what else...oh & you'll be happy to know that I've been dating someone for a little while. I don't know how long its been...long enough for me to feel like for the first time in my life I found something real. Even after a long, stressful, exhausting day, he is there to make all of that not matter anymore. I don't want this feeling to ever go away.

Ok so i just wasted like an hour of my day writing this out, and I need to finish my laundry and house work. So I'll update again when something actually happens...have a lovely day.

My biggest flaw

I would like to think of myself as an experienced dater. I haven't spent too much time in long term relationships, most of the men I committ myself to turn into just short term flings. Which to me, has been totally okay...I've had a couple heartbreaks, but no permanent damage...it just means that they were not the one for me. I'm not into the whole ''dating just to date'' thing. It's not about experiencing new people and having someone by my side just so I won't be alone...it's about finding the one who fits my shape, fills the empty space in my heart and makes me feel complete.

Where am I going with all this nonsense? I have no idea. I was just thinking today that my biggest flaw when it comes to having a relationship is honesty. And I'm not talking about lying to my significant other, or hiding information. I'm talking more about raw emotion, real feelings, expression of love and devotion. I am awful at that. Steve always said that the reason he never felt close to me was because I was so bad at telling him how I felt, that he never felt like he knew the real me or how I felt about him. It's awful to know that the feelings I had, even though they weren't as strong as his, were overlooked because I was unable to tell him what was going through my mind. It almost felt like a chore to tell him how amazing he was, or how I couldn't sleep that night because I was up thinking of him and wishing he was there. It would be a chore to tell him all the things I felt and thought, and I'm not sure why...fears of rejection maybe? More like I would feel like a freaking cheeseball...Little things like that...not even the big 3 words that we all *love* so much...just little moments of honesty that put your heart right out there. I'm SO bad at that. I always said my biggest flaw (other than the honesty bit, but ties in with it) is that I care so much, but I am really bad at showing it. Its something I've always wanted to improve on. When someone is hurting, I want to cry with them, but I don't. When someone is spilling their heart out to me about how they can't imagine life without me, I want to scream out that I feel the same way, but I can't. I think this flaw might seem small to some, but to those who have experienced it, it's something that can break a relationship and I don't ever want to be the cause of something great failing just because I'm too much of a wuss to spill my guts.

What's different about him? What's so different that at this point I would write my feelings in the stars just so he would know I feel....he makes me feel alive inside, he makes me feel like I'm home, and this is where I want to be, with him, nowhere else, and I can't imagine going back to feeling anything else. he makes me feel honest with myself and with him, and that is more than I've ever been able to do with anyone. I'm starting to see how people fall in love...I can't wait.

I'm sick of having regrets...I'm sick of wishing that I did things that I never did, saying things I never said, allowing myself to feel things that I wanted to feel only because I was scared of something. Looking at it, WAS i scared of telling ryan the things I wanted to say, was I scared of what steve's reactions would have been? I'm done with that, I'm laying out all my fears and emotions and all my energy on the line for this one guy hoping that giving it my all will help me to see the true meaning of life, and of love.

Until next time...

If I could tell the world one thing....

It's pop, not soda.

Oh, and also, the first language of the United States is English, so...when I don't speak YOUR language, don't flip a nut.


Life in my new apartment is going well. A part of me feels like an intruder, almost like I don't have the same rights as the rest of them do because I didn't move in when they all did but I'm getting more used to being here. My room mate...is weird as hell. In the last six days that I've lived here she has said ONE single word to me. She's pretty rude. I decided living with women is difficult. Not soley based on my experiences but also of my friends down here who have a lot of problems with the people they live with. I'd like to believe I'm pretty easy to live with. I let people do whatever they want and it takes alot for something to get to me. Why can't everyone be like this? Well, if we were all like that we would have no leaders, no bitches, no dominatrixes..etc etc. I think my room mate has never heard of glass cleaner because the mirror and the chrome in my bathroom looked disgusting when I first moved in and still does. I need to tackle that like...today. Also, all of her shit is everywhere. The other day I moved her towels over to make room for mine, and I also folded them and I come into the room to find a note on the mirror that says ''Leave my stuff where it is!'' Okay bitch.

Anyhoo...I miss my cat dearly. Even though I'm most content with how my life is right now there are some days where I just want to grab ahold of him and squeeze him and kiss his cheek and tell him how much I love him, and that nobody can take the place in my heart where I hold him. No matter what kind of shitty day I ever had, just him alone could make everything bad in my world disappear for a little while. Even though he hates when I do that, and you can tell by the look on his face, part of him loves it and you can tell he loves me when he comes and curls up on me late at night when I'm trying to work on my laptop. I can't even count the number of times i'd be laying in bed writing a paper and he'd come sit on my keyboard and just stare at me with his pretty green eyes. yeah, i miss him.